Chairborne's Introduction: Just scratched the surface here...

Hey all. So, I was going to write a short intro since it's late, but I saw the detail others poured out, and I decided to reciprocate.

I'm pretty new to the concept of MGTOW, and I'm still trying to figure out whether I want a limited relationship with a woman (FWB? Monogamous-non-cohabiting partner?), or if I should just walk away. Anyways, the life story...

I was raised as an only child of a single mom; Dad died when I was a toddler, and she never remarried. Mom was about the most 'male' woman I've ever met. She had me late in life in her late 30's. She's religious, but not oppressively so. She's got a healthy libertarian streak that comes from growing up dirt poor but being self-made and eventually affluent, self-taught herself everything - business. So and she's actually pretty cool; self reliant, calm, keeps her emotions in check, all that. Hell, if you called her a feminist, she'd give you the stink-eye and set you straight. She enrolled me in the Air Cadets and the Big Brother program to help give me a male role model in my life. So I'm not going to blame anything in my life on mommy-issues, she was for all intents and purposes, a female dad. But growing up as an only child of a professional parent who wasn't around that much, I became self-reliant / self-centered (depends on who you ask).

I'm 40 now, and have been in some good and bad relationships. I can assign blame where it's due... Sometimes it's the woman's fault, but sometimes it's mine; I haven't been an angel all my life. I was a late bloomer - never had a girlfriend until I was 20 or so. But, I have always done well for myself in meeting women. I'm not great looking, but I'm just a bit on the happy side of 5/10. But I'm charming and clever, I have a leadership position, I write music, and women like that stuff. So the women I've dated have all been attractive. It's not just a random fact, it'll be pertinent later...

1. So the first GF was a year older than me, we were in our early 20's. Now at this time, I was a soldier in the Reserves (the Canadian version of the National Guard essentially) but also I was in university, but I sucked at it and my marks were poor. She was studying engineering, so she was actually pretty rational. But she used her rationality to get what she wanted. She was really nice and reasonable, but she would apply pressure backed up with admittedly sound logic. She wanted a suburban fantasy to come true, with a white picket fence, a hubby, children and a dog named spot. I'm an urbanite, was raised in a downtown area, I also wasn't ready for kids, or marriage. She pressured me to change my field of study, to become an accountant. My job wasn't that good, I was blue collar and in the Army Reserves, but she wanted a professional man. She used her decent command of logic to try to convince me to change my study and my career path, but also to get me to commit to marriage and kids. I was too stupid to realize it was a mistake, so I agreed and then turned into a dick-head, subconsciously hoping she would dump me I suppose... Which she (mercifully) did. Sadly for me, I released from the Army (at her cajoling) but the paperwork came through within weeks of her dumping me. So I released for nothing. But out of the Army now, I tried something else; I toured as an gigging musician for a while.

2. The second GF (after a couple of short-terms and one-night-stands) was a bombshell. Way outta my league. I met her in a neighbouring city a few hours away by car and we'd see each other every second weekend. I was becoming a local-town celebrity, playing gigs every couple of weekends, and I should have figured out that this gorgeous woman was status-seeking. But I was getting action and I felt like I deserved this hottie. Of course, living in a different city, she was on her best behaviour when I was around, and returned to being a hag to everybody she knew the other 11/14 days. Needless to say, there were drugs involved for both of us at this point. Within about 8 months though, she and I both decided to quit that shit, and that I would re-join the Army. Without the military, I didn't have sufficient structure in my life, and I went off the rails. So I got back in. Around the same time, she moved to my city - without consulting me. But she went from having a decent bank job and living with her parents, to being unemployed and paying for her own rent. So, she mentioned that she was thinking about stripping. Being a post-2nd-wave little brainwashed feminist at the time, I thought there was no problem with her doing this, and agreed. Needless to say, she made a ton of money (once she learned how to dance, she became a headliner) but she was always broke. She got into coke, and started turning the crazy up to 11. I would draw away from her, and she would get more desperate to keep me, even to the point of contriving to get kicked out of her appartment (so she could move in with me in my shitty 450 sq foot shoebox), and faking illnesses for attention. Thanks hun. In the end, I volunteered for a deployment overseas, just to get away from her. I dumped her by phone from camp. While I was there, it was my first deployment in a non-infantry trade, and I loved it. So, I committed to the military, and stayed off the drugs. Funny story - I gave them full disclosure, but they re-hired me anyways... But I got "randomly tested" at least three times in just over a year...

#3. I got back from deployment, and decided to do more Army stuff. I volunteered for a three-year gig in the Arctic with them. I went up North, and kept the music thing going, but not as intensely. But, I became once again a minor local celebrity. So once again, I met a woman that way. I don't know if this one was so much status-seeking as the last one, but she was a lot more honest, and sane. Sadly, she also drank the feminist, socialist, and every other type of far-leftist kool-aid. 9/11 happened at that time, but being in the Arctic, a lot of that stuff passed me by. Much to my regret of course, I wanted to go run off to Afghanistan and save the day, but I had a solid commitment in the Arctic. Anyways, #3 grew up in the North, and wanted to get to a big city. Being in love, I agreed - I cut my contract short (not to go to Afghanistan, but move to a major city). We were there for a while, and lived together. It was genuinely the happiest moments of my life living with her. Neither of us wanted kids, and she went with me when I got a vasectomy. Eventually I needed to go to Afghanistan - I didn't want to be that soldier who avoids deployment, even though she didn't want me to go. I entertained her concerns, but went anyways (I had started developing more independent instincts I guess). Halfway through the tour, she asks me for an 'open relationship', since I was the selfish one who left her back in the big city. Oddly enough, all that deployment money was going to pay for our house - once she got that she didn't feel the need to wait for me to come back to get action. She fucked 'That Guy from the dog park', and dumped me - telling me that NOW she wanted kids. Funny anecdote after the end of this relationship; I remember coming home from deployment, full tan kit on. I was pretty scary looking to be honest. I walk into my own house, she's not there, but That Guy from the dog park is in my kitchen. I asked him what he was doing there, he said "waiting for her". I told him to wait someplace else, and he slunk out the back door. Six months later, he stole five grand from her and disappeared to the West Coast. nice guy. #3 tried consistently to get me back. Sorry hun, that door's closed to you now, I wasted 7 of my best, most youthful years on this one.

#4. I then did internet dating for a while. I was really earnest, trying to find a good relationship. I wouldn't send out tons of messages; rather than "carpet bombing" the website, I took a "precision targeting" approach, only contacting 2 or 3 women every couple of weeks, ones who I really thought there might be potential. I dated with no long term success for almost five years (though admittedly there was a couple more deployments in there). Long story short, after my last deployment, I got a professional-level civilian job (I'm still in the Reserves however, but I'm a senior position after a couple of decades in the military). I eventually met a woman. She was a national-level, Team Canada competitor in a major (non-Olympic) sport. She was so committed to her training, we hardly saw each other. It was great, we maintained a monagamous but limited-contact relationship. As a guy who likes privacy (only child, remember?), I really liked that situation. She thought like a male in a lot of ways - unemotional, driven, self-motivated all that. Her day job was in the hard sciences too, clinical research stuff. However, eventually she pulled away. This is the only one I regret losing. I took too much of the casual relationship for granted, and we got into a really boring rut. Come over, dinner, DVD, screw, repeat next week or maybe the week after. We had an amicable break-up. Yeah, she wasn't perfect - she would train past injury and do damage to herself, she was a closed communicator - but those problems were manageable. I tried getting back with her, but along came...

#5. The current one. I met her while broken up with #4. I'm terrified that I've made a huge mistake here. Before entering reconnecting with #4, I put up a profile online again, and #5 contacted me. She was into a lot of the same hobbies... I figured that since my failure with #4 was our lack of shared interests, dating a chick who's also into my hobbies (at this time cycling and X-country skiing, I stopped weights just recently due to an injury) would be the ticket. #5 pressured me to commit right away. I had to make a choice fast - she was, after mere weeks, wanting to set facebook statuses and tag me in pics as her BF. I didn't see this as an indicator unfortunately, and I bit the hook. Being with #5 is what made me search out MRAs, and from there I found MGTOW. She's a widow of a crackhead, and formerly an abused child... So I excused a lot of her behaviour. But she underperforms, she has a shit job, bitches about her work ALL THE TIME, and she's hyper-critical of me. She nitpicks. She criticizes. I've never been criticized and belittled as frequently, or politely (yes, polite belittling exists) as with her. Ok, I'm not perfect, but I have never been told I chew too loud, I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I'm 'delicate' (a funny thing to say to a guy who's brought more Taliban to Allah than has brought women to orgasm, but I digress). She's a drama queen. Fucks like a champ, but a nagging drama queen. Luckily I'm allergic to her dog, so I have an excuse for telling her "we'll never live together". At 40, I'm now comfortable with telling a woman flat out that we can see each other, but we will never cohabit or share finances.

Here's the thing: I truly believe that NAWALT. I have seen concrete evidence of it, twice. But I'm realistic enough to realize that the NAWALTs are so mind-boggling rare, I'll never find one again. So I'm debating three courses of action; I can keep it casual with #5 and limit my contact, I can go for the long shot try to find another #4, or I can go my own way. Honestly, I know my problems are minor compared to most guys; I have no child custody issues, no major financial loss (I recovered from losing the house to #3 and Darren, with no child support of alimony changing hands), and I've kept women far enough away that I've taken no significant damage to my life. So, can I keep this pattern up? Do I need to go my own way?

TL/DR...

Sorry this was so long. The synopsis: Army guy with a string of relationships, I've learned that the good ones are so rare, and the bad ones pretend they're good, so it's almost impossible to find them. Now I'm trying to d.ecide whether to go my own way, or to just keep a FWB / casual thing going, or renew the search for a NAWALT.