Hopeless ****s Looking for a Date!

While sorting through the refuse on Match.com, found a few "keepers". I keep their profiles around when I need a chuckle.
LittleMissLaura here is "Sarcastic" and "Curvy"! Be still my heart. And of course she wants a guy "who loves going out to eat a [sic] crazy restaurants". She loves "baking cookies" but given her single status and bulging waistline, I'm assuming she eats ALL of what she makes. Some of the cookie dough probably doesn't make it to the pan. If only her hobby was preparing turnips instead. And as is typical with obese gutter-dwellers, LittleMiss' requirements are inversely proportional to her value -- she requires a man at least 5'10 and either slender or average. No fatties! Lest there be competition for all the baked cookies she's scarfing down!
Sarcastic Plump ***** thinks she's Cute



"Most people find it difficult to talk about themselves. I have no such problem. In fact, I can talk about myself all day. This does not implicitly make me an *******, I promise. (agreed; not an *******, an egotistical bore)

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." If you don't fux with Robert Frost, we have a problem. (who doesn't like an immature, opinionated *****? if you weren't a curvy 5'2" all you would be good for is pump/dump; but given your measurements, just good for a laugh)

I believe that The Beatles have a song for every occasion in life. (what's their song for the desperate female dingbat who paid money to find a guy but still couldn't)

I accidentally acquired two cats, though I am a dog lover. (it's called the Secret; your subconscious knows you'll be alone and is making plans)

I'm exceedingly good at my job. This is entirely thanks to my stubbornness and my ability to function on minimal amounts of sleep. I'm also fairly ambitious. (ooh, so hot; there's nothing more we like than a woman trying to be an alpha***** who's all about her 'career')

I'm a bit blunt, but I'm working on that. I'm optimistic by nature, yet slightly cynical by nurture. (when i close my eyes and think of the perfect woman, something i never do is envision the company of a blunt, cynical *****)

It's difficult to find compatible people in LA. So much here is so aesthetic and superficial. I'm not a Barbie, and I don't roll my face in a make up palette every day. (translation: I'm ugly & fat, so people ignore me)"
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The Wall Can Be Vicious



How OLD do you think this woman is? By the looks of it, I would say mid to late-40s. Thanks to the carousel and drinking (that most Western women partake in), she's 33. This is why I say it's almost over for women at 28, but they're done by 35. This woman looks like she could be my mother. Women have always aged like milk but in the age of the "empowered women" its more like milk left outdoors in 90 degree heat. It just starts smelling even before it expires.

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Let's SHARE

She's the one on the left. Look at the SIZE of her arms.

"I have a happy life, great family and friends, stable job- just want someone to share it with." (you want to share your jelly rolls and 'front butt' with someone? What a GENEROUS soul you are!)

"I moved to the Santa Clarita Valley a couple months ago and the first thing I did was join a random softball team. I mention this 'cause it's who I am-- social, active and generally willing to put myself out there" (you mentioned it because you're actually a fat dyke like most women who play softball - and secretly don't want to be online dating...for men anyway)

"I [like to] work out" (work out what, your mouth? you do realize going to the gym alone won't make you thin, you actually have to use some of the equipment)

Despite being a fat layabout who makes a teacher's salary, she requires a guy who's 5'11 and athletic or slender. No fatties! She has enough love handles for the two of you. Thought you'd enjoy this; one of her favorite things is "Reaching an itch on my back". Know why? Because reaching around all those fat folds and getting to that part is a true accomplishment. A job well done..... That'll do pig.

I was going to do more, but I'm kind of grossed out.

So in summary, Match.com? Yeah, mostly fat chicks.